me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.