Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
getting seasonal up in here
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french