Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
Be vigilant
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
certified hallow’s eve classic
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
learning about math 🧐 📝
