McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
9 circles of hell in this economy?
I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.