my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there