People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.