All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.