I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.