Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain