I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Some of us matured in our 30ās and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
the first two drinks donāt count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked ācan I get a picture with you?ā I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like āyou made mine with extra love rightā and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said āitās made with normal amount pepperoniā
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” ššš¤£ FIRST OF ALL
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said itās the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think itās the vodka
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay Iām coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG Iām right here letās go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but rememberā¦ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes š