“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed