me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you