My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.