If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.