You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)