Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows