Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed