Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
