Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here
3 yr old: no
Me: you just want bare feet?
3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet
I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.
I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.
This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement
Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches
You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.
You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill
Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”
I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!
Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.
(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl
Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!
My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!