Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice