I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
We don’t deserve birds.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
