When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
sailors wish they could swear like me
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”