if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
in 3 months
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
well this is just bullshirt
