Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.