Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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