**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.