I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss