[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
🤣
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’