Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety