being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok