Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”