Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*