my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.