Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like