I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”