oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
*files a restraining order against reality*
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”