Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.