When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough