My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
