[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
