Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.
i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.
Went to the spa* this morning!
*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle
My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.
Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?
Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
throat sock season is upon us.
Me: why should I use your dish soap
Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck
Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?
Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is
I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS
I’ve had poops that lasted longer than the tiktok ban
Kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher