Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??
in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days
i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend
this year felt like being awake during surgery
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham
santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he