My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.