“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard