Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times