Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!