Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai