Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three