Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.