Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
